A cardio-cappucino, Thalgomince with spaghetti and a frigi-thalgo wrap for desert please ...

When Badger came back from scouting our new gym and described the cardio equipment as 'giant coffee machines' I had to wonder what kind of Badgerism this was : Type A Badgerisms involve saying exactly what she means, where Type B Badgerisms require some sort of alternative-reality filter in order to interpret the intended terminology.

In this case it was a perfectly observed Type A. The running, rowing and cross training machines are beautifully sculpted in matt black plastic and shinier-than-our-new-dualit-toaster chrome. It's a brilliant incentive: one more mile and you can have a frothy coffee.

Skipping past that weighty stuff and into the changing rooms, it seems that the cardio room isn't the only place offering refreshments. The spa is offering Thalgomince (LC24), with the following tasty description: 

This rich and creamy texture envelops the skin in a real "SLIMMING patch." This new technology specially designed for continuous diffusion will act throughout the day to empty the adipocytes and prevent the storage of fat. As if the tissue were being "re-educated", the adipocytes become cells with a "non-storage" structure once again. The ideal partner* for keeping your figure free from unsightly bulges.

Great! We'll have ours with spaghetti. And a couple of Frigi-thalgo wraps whilst you're at it:

A cold wrap treatment, designed to control excess fluid in the hip, leg and thigh areas. Good for attacking cellulite and fluid retention, and provides relief for tired legs. The coldness of the wrap stimulates circulatory changes and might be ideal for kick-starting a diet.

Just what I fancy ... does it come with chocolate sprinkles? Oh, and could you bear to do another couple of strokes on the rowing machine - I quite fancy an Americano ...

* The other half of the partnership being Doctor Gillian McKeith with a loud hailer, screaming "Step away from the pie, you're fucking enormous!"