Saturday, 29 March 2008

Freud was right after all.....

The chasing sheep family are planning a long walk up a big hill in Scotland. It will involve an overnight camp, which requires us to carry all of our equipment. We are very well equipped, mostly courtesy of our local walking shop who, not surprisingly, rub their hands together whenever we walk in. There is only essential piece of kit that we lack.

Our local walking shop doesn't sell penises. Sadly, neither does the interwebulator although I am heartened to learn that once in possession of one you can get it extended for the bargain price of 99 dollars. 

You may wonder why the penis is an essential piece of walking kit? Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't endow you with the ability to read maps, use a compass or navigate your way back in the dark using only testosterone as a homing device. The one major benefit of the humble penis is that it allows you to pee outdoors in a relatively discrete manner, whilst us girls are destined to fumble around in a copse getting nettle stings on our arses and peeing on our boots. 

But no longer. Get thee behind me, penis envy, for I have discovered this.
The Shewee technically solves the peeing-outdoor dilemma. I say technically, because you first have to persuade your brain that it is absolutely ok to pee standing up without first removing all of your clothes. And I haven't managed that bit yet. My brain remains convinced that I am about to wet myself, and refuses utterly to relinquish bladder control.

I am practicing. 


JJ said...

Uhm, I haven't got my time zones mixed up, have I? Is it still 1st April where you are?

Böbø said...

Have you listened to the podcast? I love their coyness, "you're bits" ... "do what you need to do" ... "covers your modesty"

You could use it when stuck in a traffic jam too, apparently. Or direct from your sleeping bag.

Am I wrong to wonder if it can have other uses? Oh there goes my penis again.

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi JJ, good point but no! Someone really has marketed the portable urinating device for women. If ever I'm going to use it in a traffic jam though, I will have to put a whole lot more practice in. At the moment I can't even use it in the privacy of my own bathroom. Good to see you here again.

Hi there Bobo, you are a very dedicated blogger.....either that or you have far too much time on your hands. I haven't listened to the podcast, but thank you so much for alerting me to it. Direct from my sleeping bag sounds like a particularly tricky manouevre. Do boys do that? As for any other uses....I think the answer is no, no and definitely not. In that order.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't want to use that for anything else - too pointy for starters. An early brush with nettles has put me off communing with nature for life. The only thing worse than having to wee out in the open is having an itchy bum afterwards!

Beanz said...

Do you each have to have your own, or do you share?!

Glad to see things have progressed. A Dutch friend gave us a shepee but it was made of cardboard so the English ladies were too nervous to trust it.

Lise said...

oh my goodness...and there is a stockist in Otley. I now view Otley in a whole different light.

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

Once you have your shewee can I then forward you all the spam I'm getting for "enlargements" because, surely, you will want a bigger one.

I actually heard about something very much the same locally - a female cop, sick and tired of having nowhere to pee on stake-outs designed a very similar conical affair... The things we women are driven too - still, here's hoping it prevents one from peeing on one's pants and hiking boots!


Hey Melancholy, I hope you're happy and tickety-boo cetra cetra.

Unfortunately, I already knew about the shewee, having had it gleefully brought to my distressed attention some months ago by an entirely immoral fellow blogger. I don't care about the practicalities, really, I just think that everyone - male and female - should have one. Just, I suppose, to see.

Is it childish to laugh at this? I worry about that a wee bit, because I find these things squirmtastically funny and oh my God-ish. I know that they serve a serious purpose and that for some people they might very well be necessary, but why do they just seem funny? And why, out of all the names that they might have picked, did they settle on "Shewee"? This, surely, just makes matters worse?

Anyway, that was a wrongly-enjoyable post.

Kind regards from here to there,


(Gobsmackingly beautiful pic of the mountains, by the way.)

trousers said...

Off topic - though what a delicious topic it is - I'll be not far (I think) from your neck of the woods this weekend.

Stray said...

We've each got our own. Apart from Ruby ... who is quite adept at not weeing on her feet, and Wallaby-Cat who likes to wee anywhere except outside or in a litter tray.

I can confirm that the mind-over-matter aspect is quite difficult at first.

I have no idea what alternative uses any of you might be referring to ... though it does look like it could make an excellent funnel when filling the sugar shaker ...

Trews - sorry mate, Ms M and I are off darn sarth to see Ruby's grandparents. Badger shall be minding the set with her friend, Badger-boy. (Not her boyfriend mind, he has one of those of his own).

Ms Melancholy said...

chHi china blue, I am in full agreement on both points....a stingy bottom can ruin an otherwise perfectly lovely walk. And I absolutely promise it will never be used for anything other than peeing.

Hey there beanz, (great name, by the way) - we absolutely most definitely have our very own each. Some things are just not made for sharing :)

Hey lise, an Otley girl! Good to see you here :)

Hi again atyllah, perhaps you could direct her to the shewee? I really feel we should be on commission now.

Hi lovely pony boy, lovely to see you again. I know that all I have to do is be a bit rude to drag you out of whatever obscure hole you are hiding in. And no, it's not so childish....I am pissing myself with laughter. Thanks for calling, honey x

Hey there trousers, you have picked the wrong weekend! We are heading down to that London village for the weekend....please let us know when you are around our way again and we will take you on a long walk. We may even pack our shewees if you are very lucky :)

Hey stray, please, please, please do not ever use the shewee for the sugar. Ever. Ever, ever, ever......

Ms Melancholy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Reading the Signs said...

I thought I had everything, Ms M. I like it particularly for its name. But - but: where do you put the damn thing after use, and what about cleaning it etc? And won't the bracken miss the moonies?

Böbø said...

I'm sorry, I just don't normally expect to see "Otley" in blog comments, not even shewee related.

Misssy M said...

I have only been caught short recently whilst out with the dog and can report that although I have no problem with going alfresco, my cocker spaniel, Sonny, did run over to see what was happening. And by "run over" I actually mean put his head under the stream. Quite a palaver ensued.

My mother (who is always getting caught short) reports the same thing happening to her whilst taking the inquisitive beast out for a walk in the woods.

At least Ruby seems to respect your privacy.

Jude said...

I want one! Now. Just to see really.

sheepish said...

OMG I thought it must be a joke but no it really exists. And a very good idea it seems too, it would be very useful for the dreadful hole in the ground French toilets that still exist in far too many places, and that I still hate and find sooo hard to use. Do they do mail order and come in brown packaging? Stopping laughing long enough to actually use it might prove difficult though.

Miss Tickle said...

I like its name.

That is darn clever word-making (and one that took me a while to work out. sometimes, I am not very bright.)

Jon M said...

Hmmmm that looks like a mighty mountain in the pic, which one is it called?

Don't forget...hewee or shewee...check wind direction when you're up there!

anticant said...

Havelock Ellis's life work - he was a far greater and more factually based sexual psychologist than Freud - was inspired by "golden showers". When he was a little boy, his nurse was taking him for a walk and stopped to lift up her voluminous skirts. The child was fascinated by the cascading stream that followed, and urolagnia [watching women pee] became his lifelong sexual turn-on.

I've written a limerick about this, but it's far too vulgar to post here!

Ms Melancholy said...

Hey Ms Signs, why, it has its own portable little ziplock bag of course!

Yes Bobo, someone else in Otley owns a computer! That'll be just the two of you then?

Hey there missy m, I just don't know what to say.....except perhaps to direct you to anticant's comment below? We know of a very good dog psychologist if you want a referral (although not so good that she managed to cure Ruby of her sheep fact probably not that good at all really so forget I mentioned it.)

Hi again Jude, just follow the link honey, and the shewee is all yours!

Hi there sheepish, the packaging was so discrete, the postman probably thought he was delivering porn dvds.

Hey Miss Tickle, rather fabulous name isn't it? We are all too aware that we didn't do your book meme, by the way........promise we will get round to it eventually! Truth of the matter is, I don't have any books on the go at the moment, and I'm far too ashamed to admit it in public. Oops.

Hi there Jon that is Suilvan, and hopefully we will be climbing it in the next month or so. Very good tip about the wind......must remember.

Hey anticant, I love your bizarre stories! If I had voluminous skirts, I would most certainly just pee al fresco...I am more concerned about getting cold buttocks at the top of a hill than my modesty. I shall remember that word's bound to come up in a crossword at some time or other. Good to see you again.

ImagineBGP said...

erm. If you camp out a lot, or if you've ever lived without plumbing for an extended time. . . well, you get good at it. It's simpler if you wear a skirt. If you're hiking, think *kilt* perhaps? That is all.

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi again imaginebgp, it's the cold bum that gets me. I'm hoping this will put an end to that. As for the kilt idea - have you ever been walking in Scotland???!

Sarah said...

There are shepee urinals at the Glastonbury festival. It's quite amusing to see the row of girls with nervous bladders lineup at the (semi-private) urinals. Mind you, they use the cardboard version there, and I think I might be more confident with the plastic one.

Just be careful to tilt it forwards. One of our number had an unscheduled jog back to our tents to change when she ignored the instructions!

PurpleSparkleBright said...

hey I've had a go on one of those!! they are wicked!! the one I had was called a "P-Mate" and was originally part of a piece of performance art!! I kid you not. I used actual urinals at Reading festival, skipping the half mile queue and looking other girls straight in the eye as we all joyfully used the little cardboard wossnames. Difference is, the ones I used were (are) disposable. (They are fab for endless morris processions). I found them again here:
Its a real mind-shift when standing to relax and actually pee, but once done, and proved non messy and even fun, you'll always want one!

Ms Melancholy said...

Hi Sarah and Ms Purple, thank you so much for sharing your shewee experiences! I feel very encouraged now, and will be practicing hard before we head off for our big climb next weekend.